A Teaching Moment

Let me just take my experience this Sunday at church to propose some guidelines for things you are allowed to say to pregnant women, things you are not, and what is grey area.

To begin, we'll start with the easiest category - Things you Can Say:

A lovely woman at church who is the mother of four young children (and thus has quite recent experience with this stage) was rushing by to catch up to one of said children, but took time to stop and say, "You look beautiful." This, my friends, is always acceptable. Even if you have to lie, say it! My OB also said that one of her patients' husband said his rule of thumb is only ever to say, "You look lovely," so you're covered whether you're sure she's pregnant or not - keeping you clear of those "When are you due?"/"I gave birth two months ago!" fiascoes...

The next category is also pretty clear - Things you Shouldn't Say:

I was talking to a dear woman who I admire a great deal after the service, and she asked if we knew what we were having (I could have been a smart aleck and said, "A baby," which is how I usually want to respond to this query, but I didn't). When I confirmed that we knew and that we were having a girl, she said, "That's what I thought." Apparently I am carrying her like one carries a girl. Yes I know - everyone carries differently, it's silly to judge based on this, blah, blah, I know. That's not the point. The point is, you should never describe it like she commenced describing it. "See," she said, "girls give you that rounder, wider look. Boys are just way out here (*as she holds her hand out well in front of her body*)." Don't say "rounder, wider" to a pregnant woman. Just don't.

The last category is a little tricker - Grey Area Comments:

Another well-meaning church member, upon first running into me, greeted me with a "You're looking pregnant!" This, as a statement, is not irrevocably within this category (though it's just never necessary to say!), but as an opening remark or greeting, it certainly merits its place here.

Just thought we could all learn together...

Oh, and honorable mention for Things you Shouldn't Say goes to a man in the bar area of Abuelo's (oh, stop judging - I was getting a gift certificate for a friend, not tossing back a cold one!). I didn't give it top billing since it didn't happen at church with all the others, but it could actually merit a new category: What?!

While I was waiting on the bartender to get the certificate ready, this man asked me, "So, when are you due?" I told him - June 24th. "Nice," said he. "Is it mixed?"

........What?

I asked him, "What do you mean?" thinking that perhaps he could be asking if I were having a set of twins, one boy and one girl...I had no idea! He rubbed his forearm and then made a circle around his face and said, "You know, mixed!"

I informed him that it wasn't, but let me take this moment to clarify why this was an inappropriate comment. It wasn't inappropriate to suggest that the father might have a different ethnicity than I have, nor was I the least bit offended by it. The problem with this question is that it is awkward and is a conversation stopper. I wasn't sure how to say no to this stranger without making him think that there would be anything wrong if it were, and then there's just nothing else to say after this that doesn't get you into uncertain water. Just an odd thing to say, but then again, he was at the bar at 3:00 in the afternoon, so who knows?